my innermost thoughts

where do i start? i havent written anything in my blog for the past months… i was quite busy that eating seems to be a chore to me already.. you all know that i’m currently working in a call center and some would say that i’m very lucky to have this job though i haven’t graduated yet.. but they are absolutely wrong.. lately, i’ve been crying a lot.. i sometimes cry with no valid reason.. i’m so depressed that i can’t even focus on my work..

i’ve been struggling to keep my job.. hell, they don’t know how hard it is for me to keep this freaking job.. im contemplating on resigning.. to quit for awhile and start all over again.. some of my friends at work would try to convince me that it’ll be okay; that things will turn out fine if i just could find a way to detach myself from all of my problems back home.. yeah, it’s easier for them to say that cause they just don’t know what’s happening..

how can i detach myself when they are the reason i’m stuck in this ill-fated situation??? my life is really empty.. no matter how i try to forget all those unfinished business, i really can’t… my family.. well, sometimes, i don’t want to go home though God knows how much i miss them.. but i don’t want to go home because all i got from them is more and more problems… school? i miss it so much!!!! i miss taking down notes, going to the library, taking mind-blowing exams, finalizing back-aching projects.. stuff like that.. maybe you would say that i should not cry over spilled milk.. yeah right but i really want to finish it.. maybe i wuld feel much better if i could get my diploma.. it’s as if it would somehow complete the emptiness inside me..

another thing is that i want to reconcile with this someone.. i wont name that person, don’t want to start some rumors.. i feel like if i would be in good terms with that someone, my life would get a glimpse of light and hope..

work? i feel so pressured.. my stats are dipping low that i’m embarassed with my teamates. i used to be a performer.. i dont know… i really dont know..

i miss my friends.. though i made some here, i still miss those friends who knew my situation from the very start.. i just wish that i could move back the hands of time..

as of now, i just keep on going to church now and then and let my thoughts be heard by HIM… there was this one time that as soon as i knelt on the pews, i literally cried… my friend was so shocked by my reaction.. it’s good that she just let me pour out my sorrows..

my world is really crumbling to pieces.. i’m like in a dark tunnel, crawling my way to reach the light.. i dont know when i’ll get there but i just hope that it wont take long.. cause i’m so tired already.. really tired that i want to give up… i wanna scream for help but there’s no one out there.. no one to turn to but myself..

really, life is a piece of shit!!! i want to get out of this dirt…